If Only

In Only...

By Patti Weckerley

If only…  What a strong phrase with so many possibilities endlessly streaming after it.  Hmm… possibilities or regrets, most likely regrets.  It’s the phrase we use when we find ourselves in a place from which there seems no escape.  We use our hawk-like retrospective vision to illuminate ourselves as to the way it was “supposed to be” had we not made that one, key decision that brought us to our current precarious situation.  If only’s are repeatedly played within our minds like some sort of twisted song that we don’t remember the words to, but still plays over and over again.  They can be as simple as “If only I’d remembered to take out the trash last night…”, or “If only I had brushed more often…”  but when that familiar “tune” drums on and on after a more serious brush it feels more personal, more painful: “If only I had insisted on driving him home.  If only I hadn’t blown my rent money in Vegas.”  We took a pretty good spill on our bike about a year ago, and “if only’s” abounded.  If only we had seen the sand in the road earlier…, if only I had been wearing some knee protection…, if only we had remembered to put the first aid kit back in the bike after we cleaned it out…, if only the batteries hadn’t fallen out of the camera when it hit the ground…, I was filming video at the time.  Wouldn’t that have been great footage?!  My most recent “if only…” was Saturday, when we did the on-the-road interview with Tim.  As usual, we were dashing out of the house that morning making sure we were on the road in time to catch him as he passed through Taft, CA; which is a short 40 minute drive from our place.  We had planned to tag along for awhile as his tour group headed for Ojai, CA.  We grabbed the camera and recorder, made sure we were dressed warmly as the ride would take us to around a 5000 foot elevation.  We hit the road with high hopes for a great interview and a fantastic ride.   Things went well; we met some great people, and saw some gorgeous countryside.  My “if only” didn’t hit me until I got home and checked the shots I had taken that day.  Not too bad, some were nice enough composition, but what was that blurry haze that seemed to dominate every photo?  It was centered and a little to the right in every one of them.  A smudge.  In my haste I had forgotten to check the camera lens for crud from prior use.  I may get another chance to take a ride with one of Tim’s tours, but this was the first one and I really needed some good pics for the website.  If only I had taken a couple of minutes to check my equipment before we left, if only we hadn’t been in such a rush, if only I had gotten up earlier, if only I hadn’t stayed up so late the night before……..